I'm sure this sounds familiar to most parents.
What adds a little bit to my questioning my parenting, is the reason the eleven year old - going on twelve - mind you, is having a tantrum on the floor in his room. Spencer has a form of high functioning autism. I've discussed this before. He is incredibly intelligent in science. And even when you think he isn't listening, he can often repeat back to you everything that was discussed or read. We are finding that he has an amazing grasp and retention of the scriptures. We hope it will someday develop into a testimony. The issue, more than any other is that Spencer does not "get" feelings. He knows he has feelings. And he certainly doesn't like it when other people hurt his feelings or don't go along with his desires. Like all children, he doesn't want to do what he doesn't want to do. Unlike other nearly twelve year olds, he has no problem with throwing himself on the floor and having a fist pounding tantrum. He is not opposed to anyone seeing his behavior because, although other kids his age are still pouting and slamming doors, they are not usually going to do it in front of peers. They are recognizing that the world does not revolve around them. Spencer doesn't care. The world is about him and everyone should go along with that. It's just part of asperger syndrome.
Maybe you have seen a show called "The Big Bang Theory"? 
To be honest, it has some questionable material at times. They are a group of incredibly intelligent - multiple doctorate degrees, phd's, etc.- late twenties - single friends, whose minds are focused on two things - all things intelligent, and often "nerdy" and people of the opposite sex. So they spend some time discussing adult topics pertaining to, but not necessarily respecting that which most of us honor in an intimate relationship with our spouse :) Anyway, one of the characters, Sheldon is so much like Spencer. I swear he has asperger syndrome, although it is not mentioned. But his character is rigid in routine, opinionated and self-centered in a way that a lot of people with asperger's also are. John and I laugh and laugh at his antics because he is Spencer in about 15 years! I only hope Spencer succeeds as well as Sheldon has - career speaking, and couple that with the encouragement and training to learn to be socially appropriate, where Sheldon is not. It seems a far out dream.
Recently Spencer and his great friend Ozzy (right there, a blessing that so many kids with this disorder don't often have) had a little tiff involving sharing. Spencer didn't share and Ozzy let it go, but then when Ozzy didn't give Spencer what he wanted (because he wanted Spencer to understand how he felt, and I wish it would work!), a minor fight broke out. Spencer wouldn't speak to Ozzy and told him that he "wasn't going to put up with him". He then proceeded to play by himself in a classically autistic way, not noticing that his friend was even there. Ozzy's feelings were naturally hurt. He went to his mom, who explained that Spencer didn't understand some things like other kids do, and had him apologize for his part in the dispute. See what great neighbors we have?! They are compassionate and understanding when others would have thrown in the towel. When Ozzy's mom called me to explain what had happened, I took the time to talk to Spencer, who had come home and gone about his business as though nothing in the world was wrong. We asked Spencer if he cared about Ozzy's feelings, and he shrugged. We asked him if he knew that Ozzy had feelings and he said he "didn't know". Now, if you understand autism at all, and you know Spencer at all, you will know that this was not meant to be mean. He literally doesn't "get" that others outside of himself have feelings. It something that we work on a lot at home. It's something that he has classes to help him understand, at school. It's one of the socially backward/awkward parts of an autism spectrum disorder. After a couple of exercises to help him understand, and a discussion on how he really does care for his best friend, and how best friends are not, as my grandmother would put it "a dime a dozen", he and Ozzy were back enjoying each other's friendship and I hope a little bit more understanding of each other.
This brings my point full circle, I question my parenting...constantly... constantly! Every single day I wonder if I, and we, are doing what is right for our son...even more than our other children. I have even, in my darkest moments, questioned why in the world we were sent so many children! In the beginning, after we adopted Spencer and I had dealt with my emotional issues with infertility, I felt I understood Heavenly Father's plan. We could not have biological children because we were to raise this special little boy who needed our undivided attention...and then we were sent four more children very quickly, despite previous diagnosis-es and eventually, ironic as it seemed, birth control to counter the very opposite of what we had at first wished for.
At times I have laid my head on my arms and cried, wondering why...WHY?!, if he needs special, undivided attention and every opportunity he could possibly have, did he come to our home? Or, why did we have our other children who would only take away from the time we could give him, and from the other point of view, time that he would take from them as we devoted it to him? For years I have wondered this. And for years I have struggled with trying to divide my time between them. Time I have tried to make quality to make up for the quantity.
And then just a few weeks ago, as we had come out of a rough week of tantruming, I sat on our back porch putting shoes on one of our little ones as we were leaving to do some errands. The day was especially bright, warm and sunny for a March Utah day. It felt good to the soul to be out in the beauty. As I tied shoes, I asked Spencer to take one of the other little ones and please buckle him in the car. He scooped Jacob's hand up and said so sweetly, "Come on JJ, let's get you in the car!" That is all that was said. Nothing spectacular, nothing profound. But in that moment, Heavenly Father - in his infinite wisdom, took the time to whisper to my heart the words "They are a gift for Spencer." After all the years of wonder, I guess I had grown enough to understand. And I did. Finally. Nothing in this world could have been better for him than to NOT be an only child. His two sisters and two brothers are teaching him what we cannot through all the discussions, through all the lectures. Through all the SLP / social classes he takes at school, none of that better gives him the lessons he needs to recognize that others in this world have needs and feelings just like him. No one else can better teach him to share and be kind. No one else could better teach him how to love...and be loved...than his siblings. I knew that Heavenly Father knew what He was doing. He knew this part of this plan all along...and I finally began to understand. They are a gift for Spencer. And Spencer is a gift for them.
