So Matthew

Matthew is our bundle of energy! He never sits still! I can honestly say there are moments when some good, industrial strength velcro would be nice to keep his behind in a chair! He literally climbs walls, does flips off the couch and runs through the house as fast as he can. He LOVES sports with everything in him! He has never lost that. His goal in life is to be Big Blue - the USU Aggie mascot. He can dribble a basketball better than kids MUCH older than him. For a talent show at church, he dribbled his ball around the court to show every one and they were all so impressed! Matty loves his brothers, and loves to teach Jacob all kinds of ball tricks. He is never so cute as when he puts his arm around his little brother and says "Come on Jakers, lets go shoot some hoops!" So cute! Matthew says the funniest things: John: "Matthew, how come you are so good at math?" Matty: "Because I'm 'MATH-ew!'". He also loves to tell knock-knock jokes, and any other thing he finds as funny. He is the kid everyone wants for a friend. He is such a fun, happy, friendly kid! He is incredibly smart! Already at three, he can name every letter of the alphabet - upper and lower case and can spell out three letter words. He loves to sit down with a calculator and type in other's phone numbers. He is also starting to read Olivia's kindergarten readers! And he doesn't start school for 2 years! What are we going to do with him?!! Keep going, Matty! You have great things ahead of you!

Little Jakers

Jacob is the sweetest little guy. Everyone says this. But he is most happy in either John's arms or mine. He is definitely our most clingy child. He cries if anyone else takes him, or he thinks that they may take him from us. But he is doing better, preparing for a new baby. We will see how he adjusts. His few words all pertain to basketball or other sports. He doesn't even say Mom or Dad. And just as his vocabulary revolves around sports, so do his favorite activities. He LOVES basketball, soccer, football, baseball and anything to do with a ball! He follows Matty around with admiration on his face, and anything Matthew does, Jacob will try it too. He loves to give hugs and kisses, and each time John gives me a kiss, Jacob leans in for a kiss, too. He is such an expressive little man, with his insanely long eyelashes batting and his smiles that melt you, it's hard not to give into his wishes. But he does have his moments. He has a fiery temper, and will throw things, kick and bite. But not without being provoked. You almost can't blame him when one of the other kids takes something from him because he's the little guy. I have said to him many times, "It would be a lot easier to say 'No' to you if you weren't so cute!" He loves his blanket (John calls him 'Linus' when he's dragging around his yellow blankie), and pillow, and his favorite character is Buzz Lightyear. Each morning when he gets out of bed he hands me his cup and says "Zss" which means juice, then he runs into the living room shouting "Couch", "Go!", "Buzz!". He wants to sit on the couch and watch Buzz. He is so fun and so sweet and we are so thankful to have him!

Our Spencer

Spencer is one of the coolest kids we know!He is so talented at drawing, building things and using his imagination. He is polite, as far as boys go:), and kind to everyone. He is a huge help with his brothers and sister and will be wonderful to hold the new baby. This past year in school, he had a terrific year! He was awarded as Mrs. Wiser's most improved student for the year, He also received awards for the neatest handwriting, and was given lunch "out with a deputy" for getting inducted into "The wolfcub 200 club". I was so proud of him as he was called to the stage for his end of year awards. Tears streamed down my cheeks. Very few people in that audience knew how much of an effort it was for him to accomplish all that he did!
We still have our rough days, and even weeks, but he has improved so much and we are grateful to everyone who helps us in encouraging him!
He is a bear in the cub scout program, and loves it because they build lots of things. He also took first place in his group in his very first pinewood derby race, and second overall in the ward!
Now Spencer has been selected to play Joseph Smith III in 'My servant Joseph' and even has a short solo singing part! We are anxious, and excited for him! He will be great!
Spencer's favorite time of the year is the summer when we plant a garden and irrigate the entire yard. He asks constantly as soon as the weather warms up when 'flood day' is. He can't get enough of that cool mud! But he is also a great gardener and takes good care of his plants. He loves to check over them each day, and especially loves the zucchini - they always have something to harvest, and the pumpkins because they are just so amazing!
Spencer's smile and laughter are irresistible! We love to hear him happy!
Keep up the great work, Bud! We are so proud of you!

Princess Olivia

Olivia is all girl! No mistaking her! She loves all things Princess, barbies, dolls and it is a fight to get her to wear anything that is not a dress. She sees nothing wrong with going to the grocery store in one of her favorite dressups, complete with crown and several beaded necklaces. And I must admit I do indulge her and let her come along on shopping day in all her fluffy-ness! She loves to hear others say "oh, aren't you beautiful!" and she has her curtsy ready and answers them with her eyes batting and a nodded "Why, thank you!" But listen closely, because she is quite shy and speaks very softly unless you are immediate family. Olivia is very well liked in her kindergarten class. Mothers have told me that their little girls often come home and say they want hair like Olivia's, or hair bows like Olivia. W e remind her frequently that it is most important to be sweet and kind to others. Her teacher reassures us that this is the case. She is kind to everyone, never says a mean thing and loves to help when someone is hurt. At home she is just as sweet! I love to have her snuggle to me, or ask to hold my hand at night as she falls asleep. She loves it when her daddy goes into her room and sings her songs in his tone deaf way, and asks for her own personal princess story that he wrote for her. So sweet! But she also has her spicy side! She is a fantastic foot stomper and hair flinger! She can hold a grudge with the best of them! Do NOT forget to get her her drink of water before going to bed yourself, or she may not speak to you for days! :)
Olivia does very well in school. She is one of the very youngest in her class, and still one of the best readers in the class. Her teacher adores her and has been such a blessing to us by working with her on her peanut allergy! Thank you Mrs. Allen!
Olivia is super tiny! She weighs only 33 lbs at 5 1/2 years. I worry about her being so skinny, but she loves to eat-and many things that other kids would certainly turn their noses up at, and my mom says I was exactly like her as a kid. She definitely gets it from both parents! Olivia is SO excited for a baby sister! She helped to wash and put away all the baby girl clothes and loved the idea of sharing all her tiny little things with her sister. It will be so much fun to see Olivia's sweet little outfits used again and remember...She is absolutely sure that Heavenly Father hears and answers her prayers. Whenever anything is lost, or hurt, or anyone has an owie, she will go and pray. And then when it is better, she will say with confidence "I asked Heavenly Father to fix it, and he did!" Olivia, remember this sweet, innocent testimony. It is the foundation for the strong one you have within you! One of the funniest stories about her this year is the "Ogre" one. Because she is so into girl things, she is anti anything NOT girly, and ogres top her list. Even if Princess Fiona is an ogre. One day as she was acting quite snotty, I said to her "Oh, Olivia. That doesn't sound very sweet. You know, I think I see a bit of green up there on your eyebrow." That straightened her right up! Then a while later, Jenny painted Moira green for a class project where she was an alien. Olivia was certain that people really do turn green! From that day on, all we have to do is say "Do you think that is how a Princess acts, or an ogre?" and she will stop that behavior and think about it! Olivia, remember that you are so very beautiful. And you are even more beautiful on the inside! We love you so much!

I hope I never forget

Things I hope I never forget:
the sound of little bare feet running across the floor, that darling "slap, slap, slap" sound from their chubby tiny feet that disappears when their feet grow.

How Olivia calls anything small "weensy". As in "Look at her weensy little hands", or "Can I have some of that weensy pie you made?" I just love this!

How snuggly Olivia can be. Especially at night when she wants us to sit by her bed until she goes to sleep, and puts her tiny, delicate hand in ours.

As difficult as it is to sleep, I love their little bodies in bed with us. Curled up and sleeping soundly after a scary dream. It feels so good to know that nothing in this world makes them feel safer than being next to us.

I love the sound of John singing to the kids at night, when he thinks no one else is listening. Or how he picks them up when they have something terrific to tell him and then tells them "I love you!" I love the sound of his kiss pressed softly to their foreheads.

and I love how the simple things make them happy: their own roll of tape, a full bottle of bubbles, making our bed to surprise us - messy as it is when it's finished, a new pencil, pouring their own milk without help, sitting by Daddy at dinner, choosing the treat for family home evening, picking dandelions in the summer for a centerpiece for the table, drawing a scribbled little picture that we 'Love" and hanging on the refrigerator for everyone to see - eyes all lit up at their accomplishment! I love it! Please let me not forget!

Seeing them all snuggled up on the couch in their pajamas, listening intently to a story in the soft light of the lamp.

Watching them play in the back yard, exploring, discovering, running and laughing.

Kissing them goodnight again, after they are asleep.

Hearing them say "I love you Mommy" without any reason.

Listening to their dreams: "To be a scientist" - Spencer, "I'm gonna be Big Blue when I get big!" - Matty.

The excitement in hearing them say their first words and then more, and then more. And sometimes only you can understand them and they look up at you for you to translate for them.

Their huge achievements and how it can move me to tears just because others don't understand how incredibly giant it is to be the "most improved student of the year".

How nobody else in the world can console them except me, or John.

Those tiny hands of Jacobs, outstretched, palms up to get out of his crib, or to come to us when someone else is holding him. And that sweet relieved laughter of "Oh there's my mom!" when finally he sees me.

How sweet Jacob is. How fun it is to hear him say every morning "Juice, Sit, Buzz, Go!" when he wants to sit and watch his favorite character and drink his cup of juice.

Jacobs incredible eyelashes! Spencer's amazing smile! Olivia's all around beauty! Matthew's zest for life! Avonlea's precious thumbsucking!

I hope I never forget how incredible it is to see our baby for the very first time.
That absolute perfection in that tiny person.

How much I love to see Spencer take responsibility for something he knows he needs to do. My heart swells inside as he grows into such a fine young man.

Watching them get so excited about there dreams.

Their laughter. Pure and innocent and over such silly things, but no better sound than hearing them laugh at something so mesmerizing to a child.

I hope I never forget how wonderful it is to have children who believe in the unbelievable. Santa is real, Leprechauns can be captured and a field trip to farm can be more fun than Disneyland!

I hope I never forget how wonderful it feels to hold a baby and have them fall asleep on my chest at night. Or to peek into their crib in the morning and be greeted by a glorious smile! Mornings are the best.

I hope I never forget how incredibly blessed I am in my life! All the most important things I have I can take with me to the next life. And the ones I can't aren't that important.!

The roller coaster that is Autism

Let me be straight forward. This is not meant to be pretty. Just thoughts, frustrations, aspirations, goals. It's hopefully insight. And maybe a bit of an outlet for the moment. The autism that we deal with day to day is not full blown, low functioning autism. But a much higher, no one even knows it's there until you get to know him kind. Asperger syndrome. It's the different little things he does. Completely covering himself in blankets and lying there for hours if we let him. Obsessions over quirky things: one dinosaur. A train. A pirate, or how something is arranged. It's monitoring his temper as he tries to play with other kids, or reciting over and over how to talk to someone. The random rules to a game that only he knows, but you better follow them. We do have our good days. Even our good weeks. He is happy, cooperative, and kind. Things are good especially if we have things to do to occupy his boredom. A garden to weed. Flowers to plant. Busy work. I have learned over time that this is the climb at the start of our roller coaster. We wait in anticipation, knowing full well that somewhere beyond what we can see is a drop. And it will be a sudden change. From here I know we will plummet faster and faster, hands in the air and out of control. Only it won't be a pleasant, heart pumping rush filled with excitement and laughter and anticipation of the next thrill. It will be the beginning of days of tantrums brought on by nothing and yet everything to him: the wrong food, the wrong temperature, the shoes that are harder to tie, a paper for school that has words he can't spell, the battle over homework, or getting his things for school, someone touched his toys and he knows this because they are not exactly where he left them, I ask him to put his clothes away. He can't find the clothes he wants to wear, he doesn't want to go to the grocery store, or something completely simple is not how it usually is. Winter is especially difficult with so few sensory outlets. You just never know what it will be. I can feel the change coming in him. Or maybe it's just that it's been such a smooth ride for so long that I know it's all about to end. It has to. We've had it too nice for too long. I rely on his teachers. I know that they have a lot to do already. But the outside influence makes a complete difference. Our gratitude to them is immense. In his defense, he is such a sweet boy. A great helper. Smart!! And lots of fun to be around. He loves his siblings, and at times watches over them with loving care. So in this we are blessed. Blessed beyond measure to have such a wonderful boy in our family. And so we keep pushing forward, trying, exploring new ways that might work. Praying every day. Crying many days. How do we do this? What to do next?!!... And sometimes wanting to give up...And then we look at this sweet young face, with all this potential and our heart swells with that overwhelming love that can't be explained or contained and just know that giving up is not an option. We are overwhelmed at the opportunity and seeming mountain before us to get him ready for life ahead. To carry a job, serve a mission. To one day marry and have children. To learn to control his temper. To want to succeed. To finish a paper without having someone tell him every step. Just to brush his teeth without 20 reminders during the process. So we try to breathe. And try to think. And we let the tears flow. All of us. And then start again...maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow the coaster will begin it's ascent again. Climbing with cooperation, climbing with understanding. Climbing with hope. Maybe there won't be a descent the next time. Next time. There always is. So maybe it will keep getting better. Less dramatic. Easier. There's always hope. And I think that is what surrounds the spectrum of autism. Hope.

One Last Time.

This is it. Never again, in all eternity. Elation...and sorrow. It has been hard this time. 34 is so much older than 28. Four times in 5 1/2 years may be the reason. But I am grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to have had such an amazing experience as pregnancy has been.

If you had told me ten years ago. Or even six, that we would have five children, I would have laughed. Laughed at the painful idea. Laughed at the chance for the idea. It just wasn't possible. And yet here we are. Never to conceive a child, awaiting our fifth. We are truly blessed. Blessed to have our beautiful children. Blessed to have the gospel. Blessed to have each other and a fantastic marriage. It has become my motto. Sums up very well all that I have in my life. My husband. My children.

"Of all God's miracles large and small. The most miraculous one of all, is the one I thought could never be: God has given you to me."

I have never done these pictures before. Other's opinions got in the way. And somehow it was a betrayal to Spencer. Then after Jacob I wished I had. I realized that it didn't matter what other people thought. And it certainly wasn't a betrayal to anyone. I didn't think I would get the opportunity again. So here they are. Celebrating the miracle that is the coming of a life. Thankful that I had the opportunity, in so many facets.